Iowadicto – the Cornpone Edition
“Cornpone” is a word that just needs to be used more. Look, like this: Aneesh’s visit to the Go Iowa Awesome podcast is cornpone and you should go listen to it right now. Wait, maybe I didn’t use that correctly. Go listen anyway.
(As a side note: Did you know *that* Kyle Orton picture happened in Iowa City? Yeah, you'll learn a whole bunch by listening to that podcast.)
In other news, Purdue is 3-2 in mid-October (whaaa??), Darrell Hazell as a jump in his step and the Boilermakers are maybe, just mayyyybe, starting to believe a little bit. So this is naturally where they’ll have their hearts ripped out by an uncreative, methodical Iowa beatdown at home on Homecoming.
This week, we challenge the boys to give both their predicto as well as their “guilty pleasure” song suggestions, because after we all shared some favorites last week, the BS Voxer convo switched into songs that aren’t good but we enjoy anyway. So this oughta be fun.
Away we go…
Good news: I'm wrong! Purdue already has 3 wins. In 5 games! (Two years ago, the Illinois win made the Boilers 3-3.) Bad news: win projection didn't change much, mostly because Illinois turned out to be pretty bad, and the losses to Cincinnati and Maryland aren't getting better as the season rolls on. The injury to Young will be yet another anchor dragging down an offense that is no more explosive this year (113th in IsoPPP) despite an apparent upgrade at OC, and a defense that doesn't do much to stop opponent drives (104th in Success Rate) needs all the points it can get from the O.
How many more wins? Zero. 2016 seems to be a harsh lesson in strength of schedule; even 5-0 at this point would not mean much more for the remaining games, and those two losses were not competitive ones.
Songs not on the Boiled Sports Top 100? Or maybe songs where someone drives past me and stares: "check out that old guy, what is he listening to? That's so weird!" Hmm ... Alex, I'll take catchy pop tunes for $400. (Here's another good test: does the video make it even worse? Yes? Then it's a great fit for the list.)
- Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend: ah, those days of crashing through billboards, spinning out other cars, and outrunning internet strangers. What? Oh, Burnout Paradise, the apex of the Burnout series from Criterion Games (after that, the EA Publisher curse struck, and they never produced a full game again). As you know Bob, I get a good bit of my new music from games, and Girlfriend was one of the songs in the game - it was a great choice, and I became an immediate fan.
- WALK THE MOON - Shut Up and Dance: it's hard not to like a song when the Boiler Box Band or the Gold and Black Sound is playing it. In fact, I swear I heard them playing it for maybe two years before I heard the song itself once. (They now kind of alternate between playing it over the PA at Holloway and having the band play it.) This was, of course, hilarious to the friends I have who are slightly more attuned to pop culture.
- Cate Sparks - Angels We Have Heard On High: video game, sports, so this must be video game. Yep, Rock Band 3. I was poring over the Rock Band Network songs (the ones that creators could upload themselves), and I saw the title. OK, Christmas carol, cool. Clicked on it to get a sample. Oh! Christmas carol, rock version. DONE. Just a minute ... big rock ending coming up ... one of the best parts of RB3 was when you'd miss one and all you heard were crickets.
- Katy Perry - Double Rainbow: fooled you! It's not from a sporting event, and it's also not the song of hers that usually comes to mind when you mention her name. Honestly, I'm not sure where I heard this originally. I think I was letting Spotify do its thing when this song came up. Yes, I'm using my Spotify tracks to help me with this list.
- Modern English - I Melt With You: double credit for this one because I remember it from a movie as well, which means that I watched Valley Girl at least once. (This was Nicolas Cage before he entered the serious phase of his career. LOL) The '80s, man. What can I say? Alphabetizing my cassettes meant that the first three bands in my collection back then were AC/DC, Aerosmith, and Air Supply.
As we've been saying all week, that Illinois win proves that Darrell Hazell hasn't lost the locker room...which is quite miraculous after the Maryland fiasco. It's a testament to Hazell as a person, for sure. But, um, needing a missed last second field goal AND an overtime fumble to notch a win versus the 2016 Illini isn't great.
A win is a win, though, and it was finally a fun offense to watch. I'm hoping for more of the same versus Iowa, but something tells me it's going to be an ugly loss. Regardless, I think Hazell bought himself at least another month on the job, and only returns as Purdue's head coach if he somehow leads the Boilers to a bowl game.
How many more wins for the season? I'll go with one more win, from the grab bag of Penn State/Minnesota/Northwestern. It'll be Hazell's last W in old gold and black.
Spread: Iowa -12
And, as for guilty pleasures, the only song that exists in this category is Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe". It's the catchiest song in the history of songs, and when The Roots covered it using kids instruments it was cemented as a legitimately legendary song and should never be listened to with any level of guilt whatsoever.
[It should be noted that the rest of BS took issue with the music snob only having one guilty pleasure and then classing it up with a casual mention of the Roots. –Ed.]
As a post-hoc response to my distinguished BS contributors, I wanted to clarify: I listen to so much objectively bad music. But I have never felt a smidgen of guilt for unironically jamming out to, let's say, Bitch by Meredith Brooks or Thong Song by Sisqo. 100% guilt-free enjoyment.
If defense wins championships, our Boilers have no chance of taking an early trip to Indy in early December. Not only do they have a hard time not letting opponents run for large chunks of yardage against them, but they also allow passes to be completed when they need stops the most. Two cases in this same point is the fact that they've allowed opponents to convert on all four fourth down tries this season and more than half of their third downs. On the other side of the ball, they look like an offensive juggernaut before drives screech to a halt...then, to add insult to injury, FGs haven't come easy.
Last week was great...a good confidence builder...a sign of what they're capable of doing when the pressure is on. Sadly, it feels like that was an indictment of Illinois, not a notch in Purdue's team belt, so to speak.
Domo Young's injury coupled with Markell Jones' nagging shoulder and a dropoff on the two-deeps on the o-line might all combine for an offensive concoction that's tough to swallow for the Boiler faithful.
I thought they'd lose last week, and I was wrong...glad to be that way. I hope the team reads my comments this week and is motivated yet again to prove me wrong. In front of a small homecoming crowd, I think the good guys lose...in a game that feels like the Purdue Iowa games of yore. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Hope I'm wrong again.
So how many wins will Purdue have this season? They might eeeeeeke out four...but I'm sticking with three.
Guilty Pleasures (that don't include J Money):
- Our Song by Taylor Swift – Holy Crap Ms. Swift can write a poppy country song...actually not guilty about this at all.
- As Long as You Love Me by Backstreet Boys – Once again, I'm not guilty [Should be. –J]...sure, society will try to tell me that this isn't something a 41 year old man should blast in his car on a sunny day...whatevs.
- Any song off of Britt Nicole's Remix album – Looking for something clean and poppy for my daughter to listen to, I tripped upon this amazing collection of funky Christian pop. I'm the winner here...you're the loser for not knowing anything about this CD.
- Burn by Ellie Goulding – Like many of my guilty pleasures, this is a chick song...and it's my jam.
- Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield – Girl power!! Or tween girl power, anyway. Is it bad that I start everyday with this to get me motivated???
- We're All Alone by Rita Coolidge – Ever wanna embrace the melancholy mood of the 70s? Here's a great one...let it flow over you...like a bottle of room temperature Green Goddess salad dressing.
We were all happily wrong last week, but it’s hard to imagine it happening again. But as I keep saying, this schedule is full of mediocre opponents and while Iowa is unquestionable better than Purdue, they’re no monster. That said, I still think Ferentz will grind Purdue’s defense into a fine powder.
Guilty Pleasure songs… oh, man, unlike Aneesh, I could go on forever with this. But here are a few that always get my head moving.
- Good Vibrations - Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. I used to blast this in my crappy VW in high school and would still blast it today.
- Funkytown - Pseudo Echo. The original version of Funkytown had barely been released and Pseudo Echo did a cover of it. For some reason, I’ve always wanted to play this song with guys I’ve played music with (I’m a wannabe bassist) but it’s mortifying to ask.
- The Rain - Oran Jones. I don’t know if it’s the amazing video or the part where the cheater gets busted, but it’s all at once catchy, hilarious and awful. Hard feat to pull off.
- Tell It To My Heart - Taylor Dayne. I don’t know why. I am embarrassed. But I like it.
I was pretty thrilled that Purdue actually won against Illinois last Saturday. It was not a good where good football was played, but it was nonetheless entertaining, made all the more so by fact that Purdue was able to pull out the victory. Hazell was at risk of losing his job if they lost to Illinois (or at least one might think), and I'm not about to root for someone to get fired. In fact, my ideal scenario is Hazell wins every last one of his games forever and retires the greatest football coach in history. But, you know. Gotta be realistic.
Iowa should be as realistic as a punch to the face for this battered Purdue squad. I don't see how the Boilers pull out the win, but I'll always reserve a little bit of hope that it'll happen.
Oh yes. Guilty pleasures. I spent sooooooo much time thinking about this, it's time for my shame to be laid bare. In order to keep the list at a reasonable five I chose songs that are fairly recent. Let's dig in:
- Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone. A million times yes. I know all the words to this, and at least three other, Kelly Clarkson songs. The clothes she wears in that video are just perfect - the long shorts, the chucks...it's like it's 2005 every time I watch it.
- Demi Lovato - Confident. When the music video starts out at a maximum security prison you just know it's gonna get good. When I need a taste of 'grrrrrl power', I just throw this one (or Daya's Sit Still Look Pretty) on and rock out.
- Justin Timberlake - Cry Me a River. This might not even count as a guilty pleasure, because a.) it's awesome, and b.) it's the most brutal takedown of another artist since Tupac's Hit 'Em Up. Still my jam, tho.
- Taylor Swift - We Are Never Getting Back Together. Taylor Swift seems like she'd be exhausting to be around, but I admire her ability to run her shit like a champ, and she can write a hell of a pop song. Don't believe me? Watch the incomparable Ingrid Michaelson cover her song, Clean. Anyway, WANGBT is about as annoying as its music video. I may make this face the whole time I watch it, but I'm also bobbing my head and singing into my hair straightener.
- Justin Bieber - Love Yourself. Ah, my pièce de résistance. I can't even watch the music video because it makes me so uncomfortable to even do so, but whatever, I crank this shit when I hear it on the radio.
THAT is how you do a guilty pleasure list my friends.