The BS MLB Preview -- Part 1

That's right, it's only part 1, bitches. But I know there are some baseball fans among you. There have to be. It's a long time from the end of college basketball to the beginning of college football so I know you pass the time somehow.

So today, I'll be putting up my ramblings on the National League. Below you'll find a blurb on each team, with them listed in the order I think they'll finish. Also, while I've labeled this the "BS MLB Preview," it's really just what I think. Tim usually disagrees with me about everything related to baseball and Boilerdowd likes to make fun of baseball while writing about exciting topics such as open-wheeled racing. I always knew he was a gay European.

Please feel free to correct my order of who wins what in the comments.

NL East

New York Mets – Santana fixes everything! Omar is a genius! Mets fans have short memories if they really think this erases last year’s epic meltdown, the fact that their first baseman (Delgado) and left fielder (Alou) are like a hundred and declining, their number 2 pitcher’s (Pedro) arm might fall off and they have a manager who will probably be canned if the Mets don’t make the Series this year. One Big Question: With Yankee Stadium across town taking all the press, will anyone notice this is the last year for the toilet the Mets play in?

Atlanta Braves – Could easily win division if the Mets choke. Glavine and Smoltz, together again, falling asleep on the bench next to Bobby Cox thanks to their age. They lost Andruw Jones but have Mark Teixeria now for a full season. Isn’t that kind of a wash? One Big Question: Will the Braves wear their fugly ‘70s jerseys at all this year?

Philadelphia Phillies – Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Brett Myers… sounds like a good team. They are good but they’re not good enough, plus the Phillies always find a way to disappoint. They have the goods to win the division and I’d tempted to pick the Mets to stumble, but Philly never seems to come through in a big spot. In any sport. Here’s hoping Charlie Manuel actually fights a reporter this year. One Big Question: Will Charlie Manual talk about being “flusterated” again (50 seconds into clip)?

Florida Marlins – Surprisingly better than they’re ever expected to be, the Marlins will challenge everybody in the division and probably win more games than they should. But once again, in offloading Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera this offseason they took two dumps – a salary one and one on their fans hearts. If they have any fans left. One Big Question: Is there any doubt the Marlins are the most attractive team in the bigs?

Washington Nationals – When your hopes are pinned to Dmitri Young duplicating last year’s comeback player of the year routine, you know things are bleak. That said, Manager Manny Acta is at least thinking like a sane person. One Big Question: Once the new stadium chicness wears off, will the primary entertainment in DC be how ridiculous Young is capable of looking?

NL Central

Milwaukee Brewers – I keep thinking the Brew Crew will actually break through one of these years and since this division sucks so badly, I’ll again say they do this time. Ben Sheets, Ryan Braun, Fatty Prince Fielder, Eric Gagne… this team looks like the plot to a movie about castoffs and fat dorks with glasses. Major League IV? One Big Question: Will Prince Fielder’s clever ballet-move approaches to sliding be successful?

Houston Astros – Tejada and Clemens on the same team? That would be awesome, and not just because I live in Houston now. Tejada, if he isn’t distracted by all the ‘roid talk, could easily hit 50 HRs playing in the little league field I can see out my office window. Sure, their pitching after Oswalt is weak, but they’re going to score 8 runs a game so who cares? One Big Question: Will Luke Scott continue to insist that his penis be involved in all home plate celebrations?

Chicago Cubs – No, they’re not going to win the World Series. They’re the Cubs, for crying out loud. And they eeked out a division title last year because nobody else wanted it and then they got obliterated in the playoffs by a marginal team. One Big Question: Will Sweet Lou ever win a singing contest with the umps?

St. Louis Cardinals – Tony LaRussa is officially overstaying his welcome. The Cards are not very good, Chris Carpenter isn’t going to be a savior and poor Albert Pujols won’t be on another winner for a while. One Big Question: Will Albert finally get fed up with people talking about his “poo holes”?

Cincinnati Reds – Dusty Baker is kind of an idiot, who has been noted for talking about “clogging up the bases” on many occasions. The man actually thinks on-base percentage is overrated. Have fun watching him destroy your team, Cinci fans. One Big Question: Will Dusty Baker ever realize that on-base percentage and scoring runs are not mutually exclusive things and actually do have a direct relationship?

Pittsburgh Pirates – I didn’t even know Pittsburgh still had a team. I don’t think most of Pittsburgh knows this, either. They’ll continue to suck. For years. One Big Question: Should they just sign Bonds for the attendance/press bump?

NL West

Los Angeles Dodgers – Why not? I really want to see Joe Torre do well, partly because I really like him and partly to shut up the morons who claim Joe was only a winner in NY because of the team around him. That’s about at stupid a sentiment as it gets. One Big Question: Will Joe Torre ever successfully teach Dodgers ownership the foxtrot?

San Diego Padres – Pads got ripped off in the one-game playoff last year (Holliday was out) and they’ll continue to be a good team that could easily win this division. We’ll see. One Big Question: Will yarmulke giveaway night be a hit?

Colorado Rockies – Remember, last year they were a fourth-place team as late at September 17. Then they went on that ridonkulous run where they went 14-1 to end the season, won a play-in game, then swept their way to the World Series… and then got walloped. I would love to see them do well for a full season but I don’t think it’s in the cards. One Big Question: Will Todd Helton and the Rockies simply assume crash positions and go down in flames right after getting their fans’ hopes up?

Arizona Diamondbacks – The D-backs made the playoffs last year as the division winner but they were the very definition of a statistical anomaly. They were outscored for the season by twenty runs, which usually means you’re going to be a lousy team. But they got a lot of breaks and one-run wins and it all held together in a cruddy division. It won’t happen this year. One Big Question: Is it too much to ask for some rich jackass to get plunked on the head by a ball while lounging in that ridiculous pool in the outfield? (Yeah, just what most of us want… to put on a swimsuit in front of thousands of people.)

San Francisco Giants – I have them in last place but they might surprise people. No, they’re not good, but they got rid of the albatross that is Barry Bonds. Barry Zito still sucks and will continue to be an anchor, dragging them to the bottom of the bay. But this team might look happy for the first time in a while. One Big Question: Why would a helmet need to wear work boots?

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