What if CK called CK?


Last night, we were asking Handsome Hour listeners who they'd like to have call guys like Chris Kramer, the way that Drew Brees called Joey Elliot before the Purdue-OSU football game last fall. There were some good suggestions given, from all eras, including the idea that John Wooden could send a text to CK.

(How would that text look? "Dear Chris. STOP. Good luck today. STOP. Make us proud. STOP.")

But one of the best suggestions was that nobody is as intense as Chris Kramer and so the only guy who would make sense to call him is.... himself.

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Scene: Locker room, Chris Kramer is alone.

[A phone rings]

CK: Hello?

Future CK: Hi Chris, this is... Chris.

CK: How'd you get this number? I told you to leave me alone.

Future CK: No, no, not Chris Collinsworth.

CK: Oh.

Future CK: This is you, Chris. From the future.

CK: What? Come on, man. *bites piece of plywood*

Future CK: I swear. Who else would know about that Buckeye fan you beat up just for fun and dumped in the Wabash?

CK: ... *chews plywood thoughtfully*

Future CK: Are you eating plywood instead of Triscuits again? Ugh. Listen, man, I just wanted to call and remind you that this is the biggest moment of your basketball life. And to go out there and make us proud.

CK: By breaking Jon Scheyer's legs?

Future CK: No. Listen, younger version of me, you need to settle down a bit. Eating ground glass isn't good for your digestive track. Trust me on this one.

CK: Whatever, I like it spread on my muffins in the morning.

Future CK: Nevermind. Listen, you are the leader right now... you're a senior, you're tough --

CK: And handsome.

Future CK: -- you play great D --

CK: And I'm handsome.

Future CK: -- you know how to antagonize the opponents --

CK: AND I'M HANDSOME.

Future CK: Yes, FINE, dammit, and you're handsome. Do you honestly think I don't know that? I'm YOU, for pete's sake. Jeez, I don't remember being this vain.

CK: What'd you call me?

Future CK: VAIN! What are you going to do about it? Come through my time-traveling phone and kick your own ass?

CK: Maybe. You know what I did Manny Harris' cousin after he broke my nose.

Future CK: *sighs* Yes. Yes, I do. Do you think she ever walked again?

Patrick Bade: *peeks out from under a pile of laundry, ducks back down again*

CK: *distractedly gnawing on a parking meter* Who?

Future CK: Never mind. What do I hear you gnawing on?

CK: Your mom.

Future CK: That'd be YOUR mom, too, you idiot.

CK: Are you talking about my mom? Because I will seriously kick your ass for that. You know how I got Billy Packer fired.

Future CK: You didn't get Billy Packer fired.

CK: No, but I could have. Clark Kellog's afraid of me.

Future CK: What does Clark Kellog have to do -- you know what? Never mind. Are you ready for this game tomorrow?

CK: Of course I am.

[pause]

CK: What game?

Future CK: *sigh* I'm just glad the team bus takes you where you need to go and they put a uniform on you and you go out there like a madman.

CK: What'd you call me, punk?

Future CK: Oh, for the last time, I'm YOU! You can't beat me up, I'm in the FUTURE! And you would be hurting YOURSELF.

CK: *crushes cell phone in bare hand, cackles gleefully*

Yee-Haw! Boilers in Tejas

Handsome Hour After Dark: Going For The Record

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