[Joe Tiller enters room where assistants are already waiting and sits down.]
Tiller: Hello, men. Sorry I'm late. I was just talking to a satellite plate installer out in Wyoming. Can you believe what they can get on those plates now?
Danny Hope: Coach, I think you mean satellite “dish,” not “plate.”
Tiller: Fourteen kinds of porn! It's amazing.
Danny Hope: Um, well, coach, shouldn't we talk about the team?
Tiller: Oh, Danny, when you're head man you can do whatever the hell you want. But you're not. You're my underling for five more games. Plus the bowl.
[silence, Hope grits teeth]
Tiller: I'll tell you what. I think we should talk about the team. Here we are, 2-5. And I'll tell you what I want -- I want two trick plays for this weekend and I want them decided on in the next ten minutes.
Hope: Oh, I see, cool. You're giving the staff a time limit so that they bear down and focus. Good tactic.
Tiller: What about Tic Tacs? No, I have a frozen pizza in the oven and it only has twelve minutes left on it. And then I'm taking a nap and watching Captain Kangaroo.
Hope: I see.
Tiller: Brock! What do you have for me?
Hope: [calls Curtis Painter up, tells him to come to coaches room]
Painter: What's up, coach?
Hope: Can you throw a flea flicker?
......no, coach, I don’t throw fleas. I don’t even think that’s possible. I throw footballs.
Hope: [sighs] A flea flicker is where you hand off to Kory and then he tosses it back to you…
Hope: …and you then look downfield and go through your progression, pick out the receiver, and let fly.
Painter: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. What’s a progression?
Tiller: That’s mah boy!
Hope: Curtis, it’s when you look at each receiver in the order of whom you’d like to throw to and decide on the best option.
Painter: Oh, right! I always just settle on the first guy. I’m that freaking good. I just laser it in there no matter what.
Hope: Yes, we know.
Painter: Watch me thrown a dead-accurate pass!
Hope: Hold on, let’s go to the aquatics center – I want to try something.
[at aquatics center]
Hope: Okay, Curtis, your target is there:
[ball sails over pool]
[back to coaches room]
Hope: Curtis, you need to work on your game.
Tiller: It’ll come around.
Hope: No, coach, it won’t. It’s more than halfway through his senior season – when do we begin to coach him?
Tiller: Do what now? I sure do like fly fishing. Curtis, you need to promise me you'll come visit in Wyoming and go fly fishing with me.
Painter: Of course, Coach. [looking at Hope] Look, I don’t need to be coached. I’m a Heisman candidate AND and a bowl-game MVP!
Hope: Argh. The bloggers you're afraid of are right, Joe. We have to do something about this team’s mindset and the culture we’re letting develop here.