Purdue Elects To Drop Football; Ross-Ade To Be Torn Down Immediately
In a move many Purdue fans find themselves apathetic about, the university has elected to drop football as a varsity sport effective immediately. The move caught many by surprise. “It’s a tough blow,” said sophomore QB Danny Etling. “It seems especially contradictory to the ‘One Brick Higher’ mantra around here.”
Coach Hazell was more philosophical.
“Any time you face tough times, it measures your character as a man. I will admit that in my playbook for winning, I don’t yet have an entry for the stadium being torn down outside your window. However, we don’t care where we play people – we’ll play them in a parking lot. It’ll toughen us up tackling on pavement. Besides, it can’t be any worse than playing at IU’s facility.”
Hazell was referring to the fact that even as this is written, Ross-Ade is being razed to make room for additional parking and tailgating areas for Nancy Cross’ favorite John Purdue Club members.
“Frankly,” said Ms. Cross, “If there had been more of you with deep pockets to cover the costs of dwindling attendance due to a directionless program, none of this would have been necessary. However, the new parking areas will allow some of our more devoted alumni to watch other college football games from the comfort of a parking lot with the finest-quality asphalt. Pavementmakers, all!”
The move was decided unilaterally by athletic director Morgan Burke and was done without board approval.
“I saw a cost-savings opportunity,” said Burke when confronted as he walked from his car into the cafeteria between Owen and Cary, “and so I took it.”
“I know I said I want us to get back to Pasadena,” he continued, “but the reality of it is this: it’s a lot cheaper just to buy a ticket to the Rose Bowl, so that’s what we’re going to do. On stubhub, of course. I don’t like to pay face value.”
In a statement released this morning, Burke said, “Purdue will honor the scholarships of the players for one more academic year...and all players will get a bus trip to Pasadena paid for by the John Purdue Club as a consolation for their stadium being turned into additional paid parking for the sports complex. We can all hold our heads high because we saved money WHILE reaching our goal.”
Burke was not available for further comment on this story as he was busy feeding Tom Schott.
However, many in the Purdue family were saddened by the end of an era, as Ross-Ade crumbled around them.
“It’s kind of like my home,” sniffled a saddened Danny Hope, still wearing a “ONE” Purdue football dri-fit Nike t-shirt. “I loved many boys in that building and I’m not ashamed to say it.”
Sally Hope then pulled her husband away before he could say any more.
There appears to be a push among some Purdue alums to keep the football program at least as a club sport. Money is being raised to keep the dream alive for these fine young men and to perhaps find the coaching staff positions at the Co-Rec. John Shoop has already volunteered to officiate walleyball and is seen as a great option, as his propensity to not blink makes him a tremendous official.
Alternatively, the Purdue football team will enter into the campus intramural flag football league.
“That would be fine with us,” said WR BJ Knauf. “The league is already letting in JV and club teams from Rutgers and Maryland, so we know we’ll be fine.”
More details as this story develops.