Inside The Purdue Locker Room

[Scene: Inside the Purdue locker room. No coaches are present. Rob Hummel gathers the team.]

Rob Hummel: Gentlemen, I feel like I should say something to you all here... you know, to inspire you or something.

Chris Kramer: [eating handfuls of galvanized nails like they're peanuts] Like what, man?

Hummel: I don't know... I just feel like you guys looked really down when I got hurt on Weds and I don't want to see you play like that anymore. Look, you're the #3 team in the nation, and without me, you don't suddenly become a mediocre team.

Ryne Smith: Well, several media geniuses think so, and they're really smart.

Kramer: As usual, Ryne, you're off the mark.

LewJack: OOooh, burn, dawg!

Hummel: Lewis, are you high?

LewJack: [eats Cheetos off the floor]

JaJuan Johnson: Naw, man, Lew isn't high. He's just his own kinda man, you know? Y'all know he's a little strange sometimes.

Kramer: [drinking vitamin water with ground glass in it] True, true. Nobody works the point like LewJack, though.

Hummel: Anyway, my point is you guys are damn good. JJ, you've been able to dominate games over the past couple years. It's time for you to step it up and be the go-to man down low every night. And Keaton! You were all-conference two years ago, man! You HAVE the skills. Everybody in this room knows it. You just need to know...

Kelsey Barlow:
[makes choking sign]

Hummel: Yes, Kelsey, thank you, that's enough. Go do some wind sprints.

Kelsey: What??

Hummel: You heard me, freshman! Do it! And bring me a coffee!

Kramer: And bring me some insulation fiberglass on a stick like cotton candy.

LewJack: Yo, man, CK, you're tougher than any dude I ever seen.

Kramer: Thanks, Lew. [Pats Lewis Jackson on shoulder; dislocates LewJack's shoulder] Whoops, my bad, Lew.

Keaton Grant: Robbie's right. We need to all step it up a bit. Where's Patrick?

Patrick Bade: [rasies hand from back corner of room]

Hummel: Patrick, why are you way back there? We're gonna need you to play a pretty serious role now that I'm out.

Bade: [appears frightened; climbs into locker and covers self with laundry.]

Kramer: I know how to toughen him up. [Kramer pulls a belt out of his locker and begins cracking it like a whip]

Johnson: Hang on, man, I don't think that's the way to do this...

Kramer: [shrugs, gnaws on belt buckle.]

Hummel: Guys! Let's stay focused here. We won fourteen games to begin the season and got a little sloppy one week in January...and have won every game since. We're a bad week away from being undefeated. Let's continue to prove how good we are and prove everyone wrong. I'll be right there, cheering you on.... when I'm not winking at chicks in the crowd.

Kramer: What?

Hummel: Dude, now that I'm not playing, I need some help with rehab...

Ryne Smith: Man, I wish I could get hurt.

Kramer: We can arrange that.

Hummel: Everybody, let's gather too, Patrick! Come out of there!

[Everyone crowds around Hummel]

Hummel: Okay, guys, "team" on three... 1, 2, 3

Entire Team: TEAM!

Time to Regroup