Handsome Lad Says Knight Should Coach Northwestern

The strikingly handsome and debonair gentleman you see pictured here isn't just a sexy piece of eye candy, ladies... that's right, he can write, too! More than just a hat rack, chickies!

Mike Hutsell of the news and tribune says that Bob Knight isn't done coaching and that Northwestern would be the perfect place for him. I can't argue this phenominal logic -- what struggling program wouldn't want an over-the-hill dinosaur who is a constant PR nightmare and a generally all-around embarrassing blowhard? And from Knight's point of view, of course it's a match made in heaven! An 0-10 (in Big Ten play) school... no where to go but up!

Let's also take a look at some of Mike Hutsell's points, as he paints us a picture with his words and makes it clear that Bob Knight would be purrrrr-fect in Evanston.

I don’t think Bob Knight is done, not even close.

Whoops, poor punctuation there, Mike, right out of the gate. But I hear you barkin', big dog! Now tell me why.

I can’t buy the fact that Knight’s career would end the way it did. As a footnote to the Super Bowl while spending the twilight of his career playing in a half-empty arena at a football school in Texas.

Hmm, well, where to begin here... first, does Mike have an editor? Because this is nonsense. First of all, Bob Knight retiring isn't a "footnote to the Super Bowl." If Rodney Harrison went out and had a stripper inject some HGH into his ass, THAT would be a "footnote to the Super Bowl." Also, Bob Knight hasn't "played" any basketball for Texas Tech. Oh, and Texas Tech is a "football school"? Really? That's funny, because, well... no, it isn't.

That’s not Bob Knight’s style. No way, not even close.

Yes, we covered that you don't think he's done.

Whatever the reason for Bob Knight’s oddly-timed step-aside from a Texas Tech program he crafted into a consistent, if unspectacular winner, it just doesn’t make any sense for him to leave now.

Yes, again... we covered that you don't think he's done. Also? Since I'm in a mood to be a bitchy, nit-picker, what the f-ck is an "oddly-timed step-aside"? Sounds like someone trying to line dance and doing it wrong. And also, the comma should go after "unspectacular," not after "winner."

Anyway... three sentences later:

There’s no way Knight’s done.

Um, really? That's amazing because I haven't heard you the FIRST THREE TIMES YOU SAID IT!

There’s a perfect fit out there — if it ever comes open.

Oh, so calling a job that isn't open "perfect" IS a bit of a stretch, yes?

It would be an opening in the Big Ten, it would be a job that would allow Knight to recruit the type of players he thrives on coaching,

Untalented white guys?

and it would be a job in a hot spot filled with some of his most ardent supporters who would flock to his arena every tipoff of every night.

Every tipoff of every night. Brilliant prose. What does it mean, though? When DOES the night "tipoff"? We may never know.

Change is always a possibility at a school that has lost every conference game it has played by at least 10 points, and tell me turning “The General” wouldn’t be a shot in the arm for the a program that has defined the doldrums of college hoops throughout its feeble existence.

Tell you "turning the General"... what? And just look at the rest of that sentence... "wouldn't be a shot in the arm for the a program..." What the hell IS this gobbeldy-gook? I'll ask again... don't you have an editor, Mike??

Then a couple paragraphs later, he hits us with this fragment, standing all alone like it's a sentence or something profound:

And in Chicagoland, where the Indiana alumni base who already turn Welsh-Ryan Arena into Assembly Hall North anytime the Hoosiers visit campus.

What? That's not even a sentence.

I also love that this is a "two-page" article and you have to click to keep going and then this is everything on the second page... bring it home, Mike!

Oh yeah, there’s that whole Indiana thing, too.

Northwestern has played Charlie Brown to the Hoosiers’ Lucy for years and at no point in the history of the program have the Wildcats gone into Bloomington and become a winner on Branch McCracken Court.

Tell me Knight wouldn’t live to be the guy who becomes the first to make that happen.

I don't think Bob Knight could make that happen... nor do I think he cares to make it happen. In addition, Mike Hutsell, you are a true pioneer of sportswriting and space should be made on the set of the Sports Reporters every Sunday morning for you.

Seriously, this article looks like a report a fifth-grader from Bloomington would write.

Edict: No More #1 Power Rankings

That's more like it...