by Sharon Pirouteck
Special to Boiled Sports
I'm only writing this because I was asked nicely and was promised payment. I normally wouldn't stoop so low as to actually acknowledge that Purdue exists. We only look at Purdue when we're looking down at our boots to see what we're stepping on. Oh, or when we need an engineering tutor or someone to fly a space shuttle or land an airplane on the Hudson River in an emergency or explain calculus to us. But that's pretty much it. Otherwise, you guys suck!
Your campus is ugly, too. All the clean walkways, friendly people, brick buildings and unique fountains -- ugh! Who can take that? You need more strip clubs right near campus. It would give your girls the opportunity to live the American dream by earning a living!
And speaking of the people, who are those funny-looking, different people I saw on your campus? There were people of different colors, races, ethnicities... what's that all about? Seriously.
I know our two schools are playing football this weekend, but we barely notice. You're just a speedbump, Purdue. Stick to basketball, where we'd also kick your ass but don't feel the need to do so. Your football team is just another easy hurdle to jump on our way to yet another world-beating, dominant 7-win campaign. See, that's what makes us unique at Notre Dame. We have tradition and history and we wake up the echoes. What do you guys do in West Lafayette? I mean, besides produce NFL quarterbacks?
Drew Brees? Am I supposed to be impressed by him? Give me Brady Quinn any day. Brady is far prettier and doesn't have weird birthmarks. And no, I'm not impressed that Orton is a starter and Quinn isn't.
You guys just don't understand our vaunted history. If you did, you'd totally root for us. In fact, that's really what's going on here -- you guys say you hate us, but you're just JEALOUS. You want to be us. We have our awesome THE SHIRT every year and you don't. We have TOUCHDOWN JESUS and you don't. We still claim to be NATIONAL TITLE CONTENDERS every year. You don't. Suck on that!
My dad told me that a quarter century ago, Notre Dame was really good. Sure, I don't remember it -- I wasn't even alive and I'm in my 20s -- but it still happened. Just read some books and look at old pictures, jerkwads!
I bet you guys also wish you had a dopey sign in comic sans that says "Play like a champion today." Everybody knows that champions turn the ball over more than almost any other team in the nation. It shows they're hustling and trying out there, jackasses! Would we turn the ball over a lot if we didn't have the ball on offense a lot? Of course not. Obviously, this means our defense is TOP NOTCH.
How many more words do I have to write? I'm getting tired. And no, it's not because my Notre Dame education sucked -- I never even went to Notre Dame! Ha, sucker! And you thought you could bash me on that one! Joke's on you!
And speaking of the joke being on you, boy, is it ever going to be soon, when we win another national title. Whoowheeee! We'll be rubbing that in your faces all the damn time! Look at how much we talk about how good we are now! And, really, it's almost a given, isn't it? You guys ought to start being nice to us now, because we're going to be on top soon. With a coach like
Bob Davie George O'Leary Tyrone Willingham Charlie Weis Urban Meyer Jon Gruden Brian Kelly (BK, in da HOUSSSSSE!) all the rest of college football is going DOWN. Sheeeet, the guy coached CINCINNATI! What more can you ask for? He's done great things at the highest levels.
In closing, I'd like to say you all suck and we're awesome and everybody knows it.
by Sharon Pirouteck